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Dear Aunty Raine,

I have wanted to be a singer all my life, but like a lot of women I got bogged down with going out to work and bringing my kids up.

Now I am 62 I have finally decided to channel all my energies into my singing career. My husband passed away last year in a tragic accident, he was attacked by a camel at a local safari park, so now I only have myself to think about!

Anyway, I have enclosed a demo disc which I hope you will listen to and if you like it, please spread the word and maybe I will be picked up by a record producer very soon!

I also write all my own songs, so that’s another string to my bow!

Yours, with stars in my eyes! Joy, Fenton

Aunty Raine says:

Dear Joy’s eyes,

I played your disc this morning.

I don’t want to sound harsh but I spent the first two minutes hanging out of our living room window, looking up and down the road, because I thought next door’s cat had been run over. But no, it dawned on me that it was actually your singing voice.

Dear me.

Not only do you screamingly rant your way through every song, I have to ask; who the hell wants to listen to someone singing about their hysterectomy?

Or their bedtime routine?

How did that song go?

‘I put my facecream on, yeah baby and then I have a wee and whoa yeah! I wash my hands and read for ten minutes, I’m reading my library book honey, I’m turning those pages, and yeah my hot lurve, I’m startin’ Chapter 5′

I mean it doesn’t even rhyme!

You may have stars in your eyes but everyone else has got their fingers in their ears.

Your husband is well out of it if you ask me.

Hope that helps! Aunty Raine

Remember! Aahhhhh said woman, that you can’t bastard sing! Whoa Baby yeah!