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Dear Aunty Raine,

my husband and I are very worried about our daughter. Since turning 16 she has gone off the rails. Although she has a job in the cafeteria of a well-known department store and is doing very well, she makes a Cappuccino now like a natural,  she has taken to going out every weekend with her friends to watch a couple of local rock bands.

One is called ‘Pigs Feet’ and the other is ‘Dead Sideboard’.

The words to their songs, which we have heard her singing, are troubling.

Various lyrics from Pig’s feet:

‘I’m gonna smash your Shepherd’s pie up Momma’

‘I ain’t wearing socks no more!’

‘Don’t tell me I can’t finish the corn flakes off baby!’

And from Dead Sideboard:

‘I wanna be a rebel and hide Dad’s false teeth’

‘If you wanna bang something then don’t bother with a drum’

‘I lurve how you fry your chips sweet thang’

We have tried to tempt her to stay home with games of Monopoly and Scrabble but she doesn’t want to know!

How can we reign her back in? We are very worried about the influence these bands are having on her and are rather afraid that she is becoming a ‘groupie’

Yours, fretting about bad influences, Martha, Herefordshire

Aunty Raine says:

Dear bad influence,

well it’s a small world isn’t it? My wonderful daughter Shanice Denise took me to see these bands last weekend!  Pig’s Feet on Saturday and Dead Sideboard on Sunday!

We had a fantastic time! I was up on stage with Pig’s Feet at one point. The head banging didn’t do much for my beehive hairdo, but I was so plastered I couldn’t have cared less.

Now what was your problem? Oh yes, you think she’s going to stay in with you to play board games instead of enjoying herself. Yeah, that’s really going to happen! lol

As for her being a rock groupie, I was one for years and Shanice Denise has done a stint as one too. It’s a very noble calling and I think you’ll find it’s a lot more enjoyable than making coffee all day.

My suggestion is that you stop being a boring pair of bastards and go along with her to a show. You may feel tense at first, no offence but you don’t sound like a barrel of laughs, but take it from me; 3 pints of strong cider with Tequilla chasers and you’ll be ‘giving it some’ in the mosh pit before you know it!

Hope that helps! Aunty Raine

Remember! The Dead Sideboard lyrics ‘I like your shoes, cos they is on your feet, yeah Honey’ are pure Shakespeare!