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Dear Aunty Raine,

I am someone who has difficulty concentrating………..sorry, but I’ve got to tell you this; Last Thursday? Or was it Friday? No, it was Wednesday! But it might not have been.

Anyway, me and my husband were walking, when I say walking it was more of a stroll really and my husband said to me that he wanted us to go on holiday to Turkey………..well, now that’s just reminded me about Christmas! His mother is coming to us AGAIN! Every year she complains about the turkey being too dry. Speaking of which we haven’t had enough rain lately have we? Our back lawn is dead. Absolutely dried to a crisp.

I could just eat a bag of crisps.

I’m back from the kitchen. I never had crisps in the end, I had a Bakewell Tart instead.

Speaking of tarts that woman who’s moved in next door to us, she is a complete…………..bloody hell! You should see the size of the spider that’s just run along our fireplace!

Anyway I wanted to discuss the problems I have with……………….what are they having delivered next door? It’s in a massive box. Don’t tell me they’re having a chest freezer in the garage?

I’m going upstairs to put some socks on, my feet are cold.

I’m back!

I didn’t put the socks on in the end. I tidied up the airing cupboard instead.

Anyway can you please help me with my concentration problems Aunty Raine?

Yours, having a coffee, no, no I’m going to have a herbal tea. Or a lemonade. I think our dog has put too much weight on. Do you know all the words to ‘Rule Britannia?’ I don’t. Yes, I do! It’s the words to Daisy Daisy I don’t know. At least I think I don’t, Angela, Wolverhampton

Aunty Raine says:

Dear woman with a fat dog,

Goodness me! You have got problems.

The difficulty seems to be that your mind is racing ahead all the time. The obvious answer is to increase your alcohol intake, as your brain cells dying off at an accelerated rate might actually be beneficial to someone like you.

If this doesn’t do the trick then I can point you in the direction of a very good psiki……..sicryratrist…..sickiatric………………mental health doctor pal of mine Dr Crippins, who is currently head honcho at the Happy Head Health private hospital.

I know he does a few jobs on the side from time to time and was very successful in curing my sister-in-law Maureen of her compulsive yodeling problem. It had really taken her over at one point and attending family funerals with her was hell on earth.

‘We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of…………yodelaheehee…………Desmond, who was a devoted husband, father and……………….yodeloohooheyyyyyyy……….son. He was also a tireless worker for several local…………….yodelheyhey…………..charities’

Of course everyone tried to ignore it, after all the woman couldn’t help herself.  But it was at another family event, a wedding this time, as the vows were being said that things came to a head.

Actually it’s the first time that I’ve ever heard a vicar tell someone to shut the fuck up. Anyway, I put her on to Dr Crippins straight away and he had her sorted out in no time!

I’ll drop you his details in a letter.

All the best!

Hope that helps! Aunty Raine

Remember! What was I about to say? No, it’s gone!









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