Dear Aunty Raine,
I know this sounds like a bit of a cliché, but I am having problems with my future-mother-in-law.
She’s a real battle-axe. She hasn’t liked me since the first time we met and I tripped over the hearth-rug as I was walking towards her to give her a kiss.
Yes, I head butted her and she had to go to A & E, but it was in no way a deliberate act.
I apologised profusely, over and over again and took her a huge bouquet of flowers the next day.
Unfortunately I had no idea that she was highly allergic to lilies and within two minutes of presenting her with them I was driving her to A & E again. She had to stay in hospital for 10 days while they reduced the size of her head, as it swelled up in reaction to the lilies to almost 3 times its normal size.
I really did want to make amends for all this, especially as my fiancée admitted that to me that her mother had branded me ‘an idiot’ and was trying to get her to break off our engagement.
After her release from hospital I decided to take my future mother-in-law (and fiancée) for a slap up candlelight meal, to really get on the right side of her. I booked us in at a new and very exclusive restaurant and she did seem very pleased to be there. We actually had a nice evening. There was the odd thing, I set fire to the tablecloth at one point, but aside from that it went really well.
However at about midnight I was once again whizzing along to A & E as my future mother-in-law, who had shellfish, came down with an appalling case of food poisoning.
Of course she blamed me for the whole thing.
She was kept in overnight as a precaution but just 6 weeks later was back to her old self again and was able to keep solid food down.
I decided to make one last-ditch attempt, just yesterday, to get on her good side. I suggested that the 3 of us have a lovely afternoon out at a local country park.
There was a field with farm animals in various pens and we decided to have a stroll around it.
Just half an hour later I was belting down the road to A & E while my fiancée sat on the back seat with her mother, trying to stem the blood which was pouring from her left leg.
Even the man who was in charge of the animals said he’d never seen a sheep leap over a 4 foot hight fence before to savage someone. Like he said, ‘she wants to be grateful it didn’t go for her throat’
She is still in hospital as we speak, but she has told my fiancée that she thinks I am a dead loss and should marry someone who wasn’t going to almost keep killing her. She has also said that she believes I was ‘egging the sheep on’. Which is nonsense. I was merely calling it to the wire fence to tickle its ears. How was I to know it was a psychopath?
I am just a victim of circumstances, surely?
How can I, once and for all, get on my future mother-in-laws good side? I do really love my fiancée and we enjoy several hobbies together including restoring antique drain covers.
Yours, hoping for better luck, Simon, Stevenage
Aunty Raine says:
Dear hoping Simon,
I don’t know your future mother-in-law, she may well be a battle-axe, but she may also just be someone in fear for her life.
I have to say that I think you may be under a curse. Perhaps it’s been placed on you by an ex-boyfriend of your fiancée?
It’s worth checking out. All of these things that have happened cannot be down to chance.
I have a good friend, Realisatodor, who has just started up a church. When I say church, it’s more of a cult, but that’s a word that tends to put people off. So he’s sticking with ‘church’ until his numbers build up.
Anyway, I’ve had a word with him and for the bargain price of just £200 he is willing to perform a ‘cleansing’ ceremony on you which should rid you of this terrible curse.
You will be wearing trousers during the ceremony, but do expect to be asked to wear high heels and a boob tube while the curse removal takes place; it is essential by all accounts.
I’ll drop you a letter in the post with all the details and a contact number for ‘Realisatodor’. Don’t phone until after 6pm however as he has a day job; he’s a fork-lift truck driver.
Let me know how you get on!
Hope that helps! Aunty Raine
Remember! For just £400 Realisatodor will re-train your brain to easily communicate with extraterrestrials and double glazing salesmen!
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