Hot Chat Magazine

A note from the editor: it is with a heavy heart that I must announce that due to a spiteful and unwarranted complaint to the Agony Aunt’s watchdog ‘OFAG’ by Jean Price (Life of a Lady Magazine) against our very own Aunty Raine Vincent, Raine has been suspended from Agony Aunting. The suspension will remain in place until the enquiry into the allegation made by Ms Price runs its course.

While I can’t say too much about it, I will just tell you this: Realisatodor is a very well-respected local cult leader and is in no way a con artist.

I myself have visited him several times since my soon-to-be-ex-bastard-husband moved in with his secretary Tallulah. Realisatodor has offered me some wonderful spiritual and practical guidance. For instance, his suggestion that I climbed the tree opposite Tallulah’s flat and use a catapult to splatter coleslaw all over her bedroom window, did indeed bring me the sense of release that Realisatodor promised it would.

Both he and Aunty Raine have my full and complete backing.

Until Aunty Raine returns, her wonderful daughter Shanice Denise will be taking over her column.

Thank you

Judith de Souza. Editor

Dear Aunty Raine,

I am writing to you because my sister’s husband is having an affair. I found out the other day when I popped into our local supermarket and came upon him snogging a young woman in the cheese aisle.

Shocked as I was, I went stalking up to them and confronted him.

He actually stood there, with lipstick all over his face and said he was merely giving the young lady the kiss of life as she had come over all faint.

I said ‘Pull the other one mate! You wait until I tell my sister about this! You’ve only been married a year and you’re already playing away!’

The young woman was furious! It turns out that he’d told her his wife had left him for a door-to-door hairdryer salesman.

I have to say that this young lady had a strength which you never would have expected. How she slung him over her shoulder so easily and carried him to the frozen food aisle I’ll never know!

Anyway, she dumped him in a freezer with 200 bags of frozen peas and we left him there with his legs hanging over the side.

But here is the thing; do I tell my sister? He has since phoned me up to say that he’ll never do anything like it again and it was a one-off. I don’t want to break my sister’s heart, but should she know?

Yours, in a great big quandary, Stephanie, Essex

 

Shanice Denise says:

Dear great big Stephanie,

My mother is off at the minute cos that cow, what is called Jean Price, has said that our mate, Realisatodor is a con man, which is what he ain’t. So I am answering Mother’s letters for her.

Well, it’s a small world ain’t it because, you’re not going to believe this, I was in fact that very woman what you found with your sister’s husband. Yes, it was me what slung him in the peas.

Don’t worry about your sister knowing because I’m going round to her house this weekend to tell her what’s what. I know where they live because I’ve had a friend of mine ‘Macarena-Louise’ following him.

So, just be there for your sister when she phones you up on Saturday morning to say that he’s been knocking me off. She’s better off without him anyway. I found that he was bit weird in some ways. He likes the ‘Dam busters march’ playing in the background as he makes love. And he kept asking me to say things like ‘Come at me with your salami baby’ and ‘I love your great big banana thing!’.

Now, I’m game for a laugh in the bedroom, know what I mean? But even I felt a bit of a twat coming out with stuff like that.

Just get your sister fixed up with someone normal next time. The current husband is a bit of a tosser isn’t he?

Hope that helps! Shanice Denise

Remember! Don’t rush into sending naked pics of yourself to people on online dating sites, wait until you’ve been speaking to them for an hour or two first, just to be on the safe side!