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Dear Shanice Denise,

firstly I would like to offer my support to your mother, Aunty Raine, I think it’s very unfair that she has been suspended by OFAG and I hope she is back soon to give out her wonderful, down to earth and sensible advice. Thank you for stepping in while she is out of action. I hope that she is coping with it all.

Well, I have decided to write to you after you referred to ‘online dating’ in the last letter which you answered.

I myself have been dipping my toe into the world of ‘virtual love’,  but every date I have had so far has been a disaster.

I went with the ‘Lurve Liaison’ company first. They matched me up with a man who seemed like a perfect fit. We’d both had knee surgery in the past and both enjoyed Tiramisu. We went on a date to a restaurant which wasn’t too far away from either of us and the meal went well. Then it was time to order dessert. My date asked for a Tiramisu and the waiter informed him that they didn’t do Tiramisu but they had a very tasty jam roly poly on the menu.

To say I was shocked when my date started crying, is the understatement of the year! He said, through floods of tears ‘But I’m allergic to jam!’. I suggested he have some ice-cream but he just folded his arms across his chest and said ‘I’d choke on it! What kind of restaurant doesn’t serve Tiramisu?’ I told him that we could perhaps pay the bill, buy a Tiramisu from a local shop and eat it in a bus shelter, but he refused. To add insult to injury, as soon as we got outside he said ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t see this working. You booked this restaurant without  ascertaining whether or not they served Tiramisu’. I told him that I didn’t think it would be an issue if Tiramisu wasn’t served and he did a manic laugh before he turned on his heel and stormed off.

I caught the bus home and haven’t been able to face Tiramisu since that day.

Then I signed up with ‘Purrfect Partners’ Yes, I admit that I didn’t read through their website well enough and it was my own fault that my ‘date’ turned out to be a woman with a cat in a box. ‘Purrfect Partners’ is a feline adoption agency and the woman, who had met me at the Indian restaurant I’d booked, was most put out.

Despite my profuse apologies she still called me an ‘absolute dickhead’. Which I feel was a bit harsh to be honest.

Then I decided to go with ‘Sexual Synergy’.

Yes, they sent me a pervert! I’m not going into any more details than that, other than telling you that this man wanted me to call him ‘Mrs Pickering’ while flicking elastic bands on the soles of his feet. The whole evening was a disaster.

My last port of call was ‘Cupid for Couples’. They fixed me up with a chap who, once again, I had things in common with. We were both born in the Summer and both almost booked a holiday to Malaga last year. What could go wrong?

It was on this date that I came to the conclusion that anyone who internet dates is defective in some way. I hadn’t finished my dinner before this man whipped an engagement ring out of his pocket and proposed to me. When all the other diners stopped eating and sat there grinning at me, their hands already poised to applaud, what could I do but say ‘yes’?

I have of course broken the engagement off, but he is still badgering me about us going to ‘couples counselling’.

Am I destined to be alone forever? Or is there an internet dating site which will unite me with the man of my dreams? (I’m not fussy, I have stipulated in all my online forms that an unshaven back will not be an issue for me. Which probably added to the cat agency mixup)

Yours, lonely, yet hopeful, Desiree, Fleetwood

Shanice Denise says:

Dear Fleetwood Mac,

Thank you for your kind words re my mother. Yes, she is doing fine. She is very reptilliant…………………re-silly-ant……….tough.

She is spending her ‘time off’ by working on her new cocktail line, what I am helping her with. She is hoping to have her ‘Lagerlout Slammers’ on supermarket shelves before Christmas.

You have had a rough time of things on the dating front, from what you tell me. Yes, I myself have been with many dating agencies and some of them have sent me some right dead losses to go out with. The man what told me he couldn’t make love without 4 pairs of socks on almost finished me off!

But them I found the ‘Perfectly Paired Escort Agency’ and I have never looked back. I have had several dates fixed up by them what have been brilliant.

Just last week I went out with a lovely bloke what paid for a slap up meal for us, took me on his yacht, made passionate love to me and then gave me £500 towards my bus fare home!

And it’s pretty much gone that way with every date I’ve had so far. If you are looking for love, then this is the dating agency to sign up with. It’s true they never seem to want a second date with me, but you can’t expect to ‘click’ every time can you? And I know the right man will come along pretty soon! Good luck with it all!

Hope that helps! Shanice Denise

Remember! Love is in the air! Along with: Nitrogen 78%, Oxygen 21% and smaller traces of Argon, Carbon Dioxide and Methane!



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