Dear Aunty Raine,
firstly I would like to congratulate you on the fact that you have been re-instated. I think the charges levelled against you were an absolute disgrace and it’s wonderful to have you back again. Although Shanice Denise did a fantastic job in your absence!
Now onto my problem. My husband and I have joined an amateur dramatic society. We have recently put on a performance of ‘Death of a Salesman: The Musical’. The songs were written by a very talented local composer, Neddy Limpet-Jones.
I myself performed the song ‘Let’s all frolic through the daisies’ from the show and it went down a storm!
Although I felt that the reviewer from our local newspaper was unnecessarily unkind when he said I looked like Boris Karloff in drag and sounded like I was gargling custard on my high notes.
After that triumph we were all eager to get on with our next performance: The Rocky Horror Show!
I was a bit dubious about my husband wearing ladies’ underwear, I thought he would feel self-conscious, but he was quite happy right from the off to strut about the stage in stockings and a basque.
I really didn’t think anything else about it, he just seemed to be throwing himself into the role. But then last weekend we went out to an Indian restaurant with friends of ours, Bobby and Sheila. I was chatting away, when I suddenly noticed that they were staring at my husband’s shirt. He was himself happily munching on a naan bread. I thought he’d perhaps spilled curry down himself, but when I looked at his shirt I was mortified to see that the top 2 buttons had come undone and he was, clearly, wearing a lacy brassiere. Then my husband realised what we were all staring at and did the buttons up again in a panic.
I thought on my feet and said ‘Derek is doing ‘method acting’, he’s trying to live his roles as much as possible. We’re doing the Rocky Horror Show……’
Sheila said ‘Yes, I see, he’s wearing a bra to get into character’
While I was pleased that she said it, perhaps she could have done so more quietly, as you heard 25 other diners drop their forks onto their plates and there was a 60 second deafening silence in the restaurant.
Bobby pointed at my husband’s chest and started to say something, but Sheila nudged him and gave him a ‘wife-death-stare’ which so many of us married ladies learn to perfect over the years.
I tackled Derek about it when we got home and he assured me that he had simply forgotten that he was wearing the bra, after he had tried it on for size that afternoon.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt, but this afternoon I came home early from work and found him doing his crossword while wearing a basque!
Once again, he told me that he had forgotten to take it off after trying it on for size, but then I noticed he was wearing lipstick and false eyelashes.
I am now very worried that he is in fact a transvestite!
What about if he wants to wear a dress to my brother’s wedding? He’s got really boney kneecaps on top of everything else.
I am very unsettled by all this. How do I handle it?
Yours, hiding my knickers, Rebecca, Rye
Aunty Raine says:
Dear knickers,
firstly, thank you with regard to your kind words! Jean Price will think twice before setting OFAG, the Agony Aunt watchdog on me again. I think my Shanice Denise did a fantastic job too. An advice columnist for the future without doubt!
I’ve got to be honest, re your husband, I think you’re over-reacting. One of my ex-life partners ‘Fred’, or ‘Doreen’ as he liked to be called on Saturday afternoons, was always in women’s panties and I didn’t give a shit as long as he ran the vac round and cooked the dinner. I’m not very domestic myself, being one of life’s ‘thinkers’.
His underwear choices didn’t finish our relationship, it was his decision to become teetotal. After he made that whack-a-doodle decision we had sod all left in common. Apart from buying matching ‘fishnets’ obviously.
Also, I remember seeing an online poll once where 100% of men admitted to wearing women’s underwear. So your husband is not alone!
Sorry, Shanice Denise has just said that the poll I’m thinking of was on a men’s lifestyle website and was called ‘Have you ever brushed your hair?’
But I think the numbers for cross dressing are a lot higher that you’d expect. Also there are more important things to worry about in life, like the threatened tax increases on high strength cider for a start. Don’t the government realise some people are on a tight budget?
Don’t get me started on politics, or I’ll be here for the next 15 seconds! That reminds me, I keep meaning to look up who our current prime minister is……………………is it still Thatcher? Yes? No?
Any-old-hoo I’m off because Shanice Denise has just mixed me a ‘Tequilla Tickler’ cocktail. It’s 14 parts Tequilla and 1 part Vermouth and is just delish!
Hope that helps! Aunty Raine
Remember! Twang your bra strap if you love me baby!
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