Hot Chat Magazine

Dear Aunty Raine,

my wife and I are going through something of a bad patch at the minute. We have had a breakdown in communications, I suppose you would call it.

For instance I felt that our sex life was a bit stale and suggested some role play. I said to her that we should think about wearing costumes in the bedroom to liven things up.

The shock I had the following day, when I woke up to find her sitting up in bed beside me dressed as Barney the Dinosaur, will stay with me forever.

When I explained that I’d meant she perhaps dressed up in a sexy toga she admitted that she did feel a bit of a fool, but turned the toga idea down as she likes to keep fairly well covered due to her ‘frozen shoulder’ problem.

She then said that we should go out for a meal together, which we hadn’t done for a long time. In my defence, she did just say ‘a meal’. She said nothing about a posh restaurant and I have to say that when I parked our car up beside the burger van in a lay-by on the A5183 I thought she over-reacted somewhat. She cut off her nose to spite her face by turning down my hotdog.

I said that perhaps we should think about a mini break to help us re-connect. I was thinking somewhere like Madrid or Paris.

I will never let her book anything again in my life.

I had no idea that she was a fan of Gregorian Chanting, until she drove us through the gates of the religious retreat which she’d booked us in at! It was a ‘Weekend Chanting Workshop’.

You don’t know difficult it is going for a wee while dressed as a monk.

We got back home and I had one last-ditch attempt at making things work between us.

I said that I fancied trying ‘fencing’ and would she be interested in that? She was very enthusiastic and I went out next day to buy all the gear, fencing mask white suit etc.

You can imagine what my face was like when I got back home to find that she’d had 14 new fence panels and 3 bags of concrete delivered!

Like I say, we just aren’t getting through to each other!

Yours, scared to suggest that we take up flying in case I come home to find she’s wearing a pair of home-made wings, Sid, Wigan

Aunty Raine says:

Dear scared Wigan,

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. The divorce rate in this country started going through the roof when all this nonsense about ‘couples needing to communicate’ came about.

Until the 1980’s most married couples ignored each other as much as possible and got along just fine!

I have previously pointed a couple like yourselves in the direction of one of the new ‘couples binge drinking clubs’ which had sprung up.

However, the government is cracking down on them for some reason. (Note to self: I still haven’t got round to looking up who our current PM is! I do like to keep abreast of things. My wonderful daughter Shanice Denise says she’s pretty certain it isn’t Thatcher anymore so I’m thinking it might be Alan Titchmarsh? Like I say I’ll have a look later)

My suggestion to you is that spend as much time apart as possible, it’s always worked for me in all of my relationships with my previous 27 life partners and in all of my 5 marriages. My Vincent hasn’t been out of the shed for 3 days and we’re deliriously happy!

Hope that helps! Aunty Raine

Remember! No, it’s not Alan Titchmarsh, it’s Ginger Rogers, that’s it, Ginger is PM of great Britain. Or is she just president of Europe? Eff knows! LOL!