Hot Chat Magazine

Dear Aunty Raine,

I have recently become addicted to online pornography, in fact I’m watching some now……………bounce, baby, bounce! Ride that hot thingy!………………………….sorry about that. But do you see how much it is affecting my………………………….Whip crack away hot stuff!………………..life?

I am unable to rein it in at all and found myself watching porn on my phone while I was in the queue at a local supermarket. Unfortunately I hadn’t made sure that my earphones were attached properly and the whole supermarket heard a scene from the film I was watching. It went  ‘I know you’ve only come to fix my dishwasher but I wonder if you’d like to see my massive gazongas, instead of having a cup of tea? It’s up to you of course’

Several female pensioners who were in the other queues shot me death stares and one even told me I needed castrating.

How can I get over this impulse? I really do want to …………….Wow! That’s bloody huge!………………stop it and lead a more normal life.

Yours, with a lack of self-control, Desmond, St Alban’s

Aunty Raine says:

Dear lack of Desmond,

there’s nothing wrong with a healthy interest in sex, it’s always been a major hobby for me,  but of course it becomes a problem when it interferes with your grocery shopping.

I am slightly curious as to what the dishwasher repairman went with re the gazonga/cup of tea offer. I’ve always had an enquiring mind!

I’m assuming it wasn’t the tea as these repairmen must be awash with it by the end of the day.

Anyway, your problem really lies in the fact that you do have self-control, but just aren’t exercising it! Just be firm with yourself (no pun intended). Make out a porno-schedule and ONLY indulge yourself for an hour or 2 a day.

If you are tempted at any other time then divert your mind by repeating a song to yourself. It’s really just a case of re-training your brain.

I recommend that you recite the words of the hit rap song ‘If you ring my bell, u betta ‘ave a jiffy bag’ by DJ Slappetty.

Its deep meaning really focuses the mind. I find that to be the case anyway. In fact I was reciting it the other day while I was rinsing my beer glass out at the kitchen sink, when a local goose hit our kitchen window at high-speed and I didn’t even notice!

It wasn’t until my Vince asked me why there were feathers all over the Venetian blind that I was any the wiser.

Good luck!

Hope that helps! Aunty Raine

Remember! If you come across a movie from the 80’s called ‘Malandra does Milton Keynes’ then you might see yours truly in a supporting role, I was 3rd trollop in the ballroom dancing scene!