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Dear Aunty Raine,

I got married while I was on holiday in Mali just 2 weeks ago. My husband (Bobby) and I had been very happy up until a couple of days ago. The wedding was a spur of the moment thing, we’d only met a few days earlier when I rescued him after a local Baboon made erotic advances towards him.

My husband does have problem hair, it’s somewhat frizzy and he has rather a long face. It was easy to see how a myopic male Baboon could have mistaken him for a female of the species. He was also wearing a beach towel tied around his waist, I suppose it must have looked like a skirt to the already confused creature.

Anyway, I managed to divert the amorous primate’s attention by pelting it with Jammie Dodger biscuits which I had in my handbag. While the Baboon was tucking into the biscuits I whisked my husband away to a local bar and there love blossomed!

So a run of the mill holiday turned into a honeymoon!

And now we are back home and just 2 days ago I met my mother in law for the first time. My husband had told me what a wonderful woman she was and I was prepared for us to become good friends.

You can imagine my shock when she walked through our front door and said to my husband ‘Bobby, boo boos! Is the nasty lady’ she shot a death stare at me ‘wearing too much make-up and she looks like a nasty wasty clown!’

I couldn’t believe it! I expected my husband to jump to my defence but he said ‘Yes Mummy, she’s got icky wicky lipstick and is wearing lots of massacre on her eyesy wiseys’

And that set the tone of the whole visit! I’d baked a cake and they both ganged up to tell me it tasted like ‘a nasty big yucky wucky loofah’.

The minute my mother in law had left, my husband reverted back to his normal self and told me I was over-reacting when I said how upset the whole visit had made me feel.

He is still being dismissive about my feelings, despite my having spent the last 48 hours trying to get through to him!

Have I made a mistake in rushing into this marriage? I do want to make it work as I really am in love with him.

Yours, insulted and desperate, Lydia, Cowes

Aunty Raine says:

Dear desperately insulted cow,

I’ve rushed into a couple of marriages myself in the past. Getting hitched to a train guard within 3 days of him punching my ticket, 20 years ago, turned out to be a disaster.

It was then I learned you need more than a shared interest in faux fur cushion covers to make a marriage work.

If I had to sum your husband up in one word, it would be ‘Wanker’.

As for the way you met, you only have his word for it that he didn’t lead this Baboon on.

Just saying!

If you think things are going to improve with his mother, you can think again. And then think some more. And then think about thinking things.

He is a snivelling Mummy’s boy and your life will be a misery from this day forward.

Just divorce him and find a man who doesn’t need you to rescue him with your handbag snacks.

Hope that helps! Aunty Raine

Remember! If he didn’t replace the Jammie Dodgers, make sure you get refunded a packet in the divorce!

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