Life of a Lady Magazine

(Today’s blog post is taken from my book ‘Agonising’)

Dear Aunty Jean,

I ave seen you in this magazine wot I took from the doctors when I was there.

I luv my boyfriend wot I ave ad for free weeks very much and he askeded me to marry im on this well nown daytime tv show wot loads of our famlee ave bin on.

They ave bin on there to sort out there problems. I ad a fight wiv my mom on there.

My boyfriend is a gud dad to is 5 kids by these uvva girls but ee as got a fault wot is when he kisses me it is all a big slurpy squelch. His tongue is big.

Wen my 3rd stepdad heared us snoggin in the backyard ee said it sounded like someone goin froo a swamp on a pogostick.

I want to ave my boyfriends baby as soon as poss as I am 17 and only ave 2 kids so far. An they dont see there dads.

I want is kissin to get better tho, wot shud i say to him as he allwiz makes my chin wet.

Yours, all damp, Collagen, Clacton

Aunty Jean says;

Dear Collagen Damp Clacton,

Collagen? Are you being serious? They actually put that name on your birth certificate? I’m surprised the registrar didn’t call the police and have them detain your parents under the mental health act!!!!

Dear me! Have you got a sister? What have they called her? Lard????

I absolutely despair of this country, I really do! And thank goodness you found me through a doctor’s surgery…………..the thought that someone like you would ever have walked into a reputable newsagent and bought Life of a Lady Magazine, sickens me to my stomach.

The sooner this government comes to its senses and puts bromide in council estate water supplies, the better!

Just go away you revolting girl!

Hope that helps! Aunty Jean

Remember! There’s no smoke without a crazed arsonist!